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It has been brought to my attention that those stick figure decals on vehicles are not "kill" scores, but actually suppose to represent members of the family. I will be removing all my decals to avoid any further confusion.
You know your ugly when the dog has to close his eyes to hump your leg
Saw a midget go into a store while wearing a KKK outfit and thought... That`s a little racist.
I don`t really want to make bad choices; but I`m always late, and all the good choices are already taken..
What Meatloaf wouldn`t do for love I would probably do for a six pack.
I think I will start calling my wife "My Customer" since she is always right...
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it`s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
People are always gonna talk about you, so you might as well give them something good to say.
Netflix is a lot like facebook in the way I just waste time scrolling and scoffing at things.
Fact: Pornos aren`t based on actual events.
I know how to wink my eye in like twelve different languages.
They called themselves geologists because stoners was already taken.
My psychiatrist told me I need to love myself more. I was like, "damn doc I`m already up to 3 times a day"
I have decided to give up procrastinating for Lent ... oh, crap.
Monday morning coffee is just as important as friday night liquor....almost.