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"Hey! Aren`t you that guy from the village people?" - Me, to every cop who pulls me over
How to know you have a sunburn: Smack the spot. If you scream in pain, its a sunburn
I`m not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
Forget drugs and sex. Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
Nobody’s phone is ever off. They’re lying.
You`re about 8 beers away from being my type.
Don`t talk to me about hard times. My dog just licked the last piece of pizza.
If the wicked witch of the west melts in water ... How did she bathe?
I was asked what I would give the woman who has everything... Well, my phone number for a start.
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
Statement: "Do you really love me?" True Meaning: "Ive done something stupid and youre going to find out sooner or later."
If you`re confident enough, every zoo is a petting zoo.
The first guy who made fire by rubbing two sticks together probably did a lot of other weird sh!t.
"I understand your logic, but let`s try to look at this more emotionally." - women
My boss hates it when I shorten his name to D!ck, Especially since his name is Steve.