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Today I broke my personal record for most consecutive days lived.
It`s Friday! High-five some sh!t!
I bet Batman`s cape gets stuck in the car door more times than he admits.
If history has taught us anything, it’s that reheated french fries are gross.
You need a high five, in the face, with a chair.
75% of my day consists of looking at the clock and not believing it
Some people just lack the ability to realize that everyone in the room wants them to shut up.
People who go rock climbing: you know you don`t have to, right
Like a good neighbor, strip clubs are there
No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you. I just want the oil change
My girlfriend told me she wanted me to surprise her with a gift that will take her breath away. I`m thinking about getting her a treadmill.
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth`s rotation, we were all speeding.
Sorry I mispronounced your baby`s name you made up.
If you have to tell us that you`ve been going to the gym, you probably need to go more often....
There is no better sunscreen than sitting in a bar.