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I shook the vending machine until my chips fell, so yeah, I’m a hunter-gatherer.
Found out today that you`re supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, NOT a jelly stain. Sorry, strange lady at the Waffle House. Just trying to help...
I know you people are crazy. I can spot my own kind a mile away.
I fell asleep on the couch last night & woke up thinking I was married.
The only thing I understand about Algebra: I look at my X and I wonder Y
My son asked me to explain women to him, so I bought him an XBOX game for his Playstation.
One out of every 4 Americans are suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they´re okay, then it´s you.
If you ain`t laughin, you ain`t livin!
I’m not a comedian. I don’t tell jokes. I just tell the truth in a way it sounds funny.
How dare you incinerate that I don`t know big words.
I`ve just seen an advert in my local newspaper. ACCOUNTANT NEEDED! $35,000 - $40,000 So I called them up and said, "The answer is -$5,000."
My daughter said, "You`re the best mommy ever!" I`m really proud that she`s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
Me: Mom...Dad. I`ve decided to live on my own from now on. Parents: ok, cool. Me: Your luggage is outside
Immature: A word boring people use to describe fun people.
Crazy is not a destination, it is a way of life.