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If I could choose any one mythological creature to become alive & real, I`d have to pick: My girlfriend.
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it`s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach`s.
We should do this “3-day weekend” thing more often.
Do you ever watch a movie and realize you have to watch it again because you were on your phone the whole time?
No, I didn`t accidentally pocket dial you, I wanted you to hear me eat lunch.
MY 8 YEAR OLD: "Walrus testicles are called walnuts."
F*ck It - My final thought before making decisions.
Can you imagine how sexy I`d be if I ate right and took care of my body... I`m not going to, but can you imagine
"Do you have a charger?" is the new "Could I bum a cigarette?"
Sometimes I think I’m too picky. Then I watch my dog look for a place to poop.
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald`s Playland ball pit
once again Tequila is the Delete History button of my brain.
You have 600 friends on Facebook but you have to take your own picture of yourself for your profile photo.
If you`re going to stalk me at least notice when I`m running low on toilet paper & change the roll.
Of course women have cleaner minds than men. They change them so damn often.