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The boss keeps talking about a company 401k ... I don`t think I can run that far
This nude beach would be great!...if I wasn`t the only one participating.
My smoke detectors are always cheering me on for being such a great cook.
If this cold snowy weather doesn`t clear up soon, I may never get in the mood to take down the Christmas tree-
If I lean to the left. I am not trying to whisper in your ear. I`m married. I`m gonna fart.
Just quit my job so I can spend more quality time giving out candy crush extra lives.
My car broke down outside a massage parlor on today ... And again tomorrow.
I left a note in the break room at work saying I had found five bucks. I hadn`t found any money, but it was worth five dollars to learn which of my co-workers is a lying douchebag.
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
Today’s Horoscope: You’re gullible
Some mornings I feel like leaving my coffee until its cold enough that I can just pour it directly into my eyes.
If booze isn`t the answer, then your question sucks.
Fun thing to do #48: Spice up your food delivery order by ending the call with "And NO cops!"
I drive safer when there`s food on my passenger seat than when there`s a person sitting there.