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I`m definitely the drunkest person in this ball pit.
How many men does it take to open a beer? None! It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.
I swear, watching people at a 4-way stop sign is like watching ‘Night at the Roxbury.’ “Him? Me? Oh Me? Me or Him?”
I don`t get it, no matter how many times I call `shotgun` the cops always put me in the backseat.
Perhaps your whole purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others
My taste in music ranges from, "You need to listen to this" to "I know, please don`t judge me."
Remember when there was more important crap to do besides Facebook all day? Me neither.
Sometimes putting on pants is the hardest part of my day.
"I don`t care if you think it sounds gross, that`s what we`re calling it" -Guy who named the sweater.
Ice cream is clearly God`s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
I plan on being up really late tonight making voodoo dolls for, well, nevermind, you will know who you are soon enough
When you are dead, you don`t know you are dead but other people do. The same is true when you are stupid.
So impolite of people to sneak up on you while you’re talking sh!t about them.
Thank God for Facebook otherwise we would never know what fireworks look like.
The only solution to a problem is to find the source and Kill it.