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Never seen anyone jogging and smiling, so that’s all I need to know about that.
Unless its inappropriately, don`t f*cking touch me.
Keep your marriage fresh by writing each other love notes like "I considered smothering you with a pillow last night but didn`t."
Don’t trust people that dislike pizza. They’re probably not human.
I wonder how many people`s phones out there have my name saved in contacts as "DO NOT ANSWER"
my friends status was "standing on the edge of a cliff" ... so I poked him
My resume is basically just a list of things I hate to do.
I thought I was wrong once, but I was mistaken.
“FREEZE! NOBODY MOVE!” – Mother Nature
When I text someone and they dont text me back, I automatically assume that they fainted from overexcitement.
When I woke up this morning everything in my house had been stolen and replaced with exact replicas... WEIRD..
This drag race is not at all what I expected. Are they in dresses inside of the cars, at least?
The most frustrating thing about watching Nascar is that they never signal
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station`s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that sh!t.