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I`m all over that like a fat kid on a Smarty
Sometimes the best helping hand you can give is a good, firm push
Sometimes, I`ll start a text with "lol" if it might be a sensitive subject. Like, "lol it`d be cool if you moved out."
My wife said to me: "If you won the lottery, would you still love me?" I said: "Of course I would. I`d miss you, but I`d still love you."
Sometimes I think I`m a relatively smart person. Other times I put my shoes on before my pants and realize who I really am.
When I squeeze a tube of `whitening toothpaste` and it’s blue, I’m like, well this is off to a bad start.
Is it wrong to swallow my multi-vitamin with a beer?
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults - $9.00, Under 12 - $ 6.00, Under 3 - $249.00
Have you ever laughed so hard that no sound comes out and you sit there clapping your hands like a retarded seal?
When I was younger I thought I was bipolar. Turns out I was just an a$$hole who was happy about it.
If you´re cooler than me, doesnt that make me hotter than you?
You know you`re all grown up when you actually pick up the ice cube instead of kick it under the fridge.
wants to jump in a cab and yell "follow that car!"
The awkward moment when you type HO instead of HI.
Those "Speed Enforced by Aircraft" signs don`t understand how eager I am to get pulled over by an F-16.