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Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies pooping and vomiting all over themselves.
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
My life coach is the cashier at the liquor store.
Not to brag, but I don’t need to smoke pot to get the munchies.
I found my wife through online dating. So, she`s definitely got some explaining to do!
Life gets expensive when you trust a cute woman.
Since it started raining all my wife has done is look through the stupid window... If it gets any worse, I`ll have to let her in.
life is too short to match socks
From all these shows I`ve watched it seems like snipers lay down a lot of the day....I`d probably be pretty good at that job.
Talking bout planets with my 8 yr old. He asked if you can just plow thru Uranus because it`s all gas. I cannot respond maturely.
How long are Winnie the Pooh and Tigger going to ignore the fact there`s something seriously wrong with Eeyore
All of my plans for the future start out with “when I get rich”
I don`t hate you, but I hope you fall in love and get married.
I pretty much spend all day, every day, just looking forward to going back to sleep.
If a cop ever asks me to count from 100 backwards ...I just get in the back seat