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Hey I just met you... And this is Crazy... But this is a nice restaurant... So, Silence your baby!
If I had a dollar for every time I got suspicious… I’d wonder who the f&*k was paying me, and why?
People say, “You have to work on a marriage.” I say, “No thank you. I already have a job
In movies, do actors wear costume underwear? Or underwear from home? The whole thing is confusing. I don`t think I can keep watching movies
Nothing is really lost until your mom can’t find it.
Burger King is offering delivery service in some areas. I don’t trust it. Everyone knows it’s impossible to drive without eating the fries.
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
I`m looking for a new personal trainer, the last one didn`t work out
Monday must be a man ... It comes too quickly.
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
When I have a yard sale I play the theme song to Sanford & Son with a boombox on my porch.
Does anyone else wonder why naked and baked, 2 words that go together SO well, don`t rhyme?? ...I mean, who comes up with these words anyway? lol
Fun fact: Deciding where to eat is the leading cause of divorce
As you get older your Christmas list gets shorter, because the things you want can`t be bought.
Running away doesn`t help your problems, unless you`re fat. Then yeah, run away.