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I`ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she`s a woodpecker.
It`s so hard to find obedient minions
I got pulled over for drunk driving last night. In my defense I didn`t even know I was driving.
Everybody stop what you`re doing and play with crayons! You`re wlecome, enjoy the day.
If I had known "cuties" were little oranges when my wife asked me to "bring a few home," I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
I guarantee there`s a pregnant teenager somewhere who thinks `Ebola` would be a lovely name for their child.
I need medical attention, but I will settle for just regular attention.
Stages of Drunk: 1. Wow. I can dance. 2. All hats look GOOD on me. 3. Shhh. Don`t wake up the cows.
If you don`t have anything nice to say, put it all on social networks
I`m not fat. My stomach is in 3D
I like to stand 20 ft in front of the Walmart greeter and greet people before he gets a chance.
i have noticed you notice me noticing you
I`ve just finished doing my hair, want to come over and mess it all up?
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
Sometimes, half your sh!t is worth it.