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I don`t always drink beer. But when I do, I always lie about not always drinking beer.
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like "here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours."
After visiting the gov`t healthcare site, I don`t know why I was so worried about their ability to spy on me...
When my friends ask me to babysit, I ask if the kid is a "mean drunk" or a "happy drunk." Gets me out of it every time.
If Monday had a face, I´d punch it.
Life is never more confusing than when three people get together to order one pizza.
My wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can`t see the mailbox when she`s backing up?
Wait, there`s a "wrong hole"?
Bathtub` spelled backwards is still `bathtub`. It`s not, but for a second there, you believed me.
I like to go to the bar and flip peoples license plates upside down, then go home and listen to my scanner.
I think "Don`t Kid Yourself" would be a great brand name for birth control pills....
If I knew how to backflip, I`d never walk anywhere.
If you can`t handle me at my worst, then that sucks because that`s all there is to me.
There’s no excuse for laziness.. but if you find one, let me know.
Just because she weighed as much as two women doesn`t mean you had a threesome