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Lets face it we have all tried to get something done before the microwave timer goes off.
I`ve done a lot of things over the years ... But acting normal has never been one of them.
If you play my day at work backwards, its about an idiot getting less and less annoying
Old meaning of sorry. "I won`t do it again." New meaning of sorry. "Damn I got caught, next time I need to be more careful."
Thought cartoons were getting better. Turns out it was a news story about Justin Bieber.
Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms...
I`m confused as to whether I`m supposed to leap or hump today.
My innocent look never works in the nude.
A person soon learns how little they know when a child begins to ask questions.
The best thing about smartphones is that you don`t have to refold maps anymore.
I remember the days when I could refer to my knees as right and left. Now I refer to them as the good and bad knee.
I will pay good money to anyone who can take me from work, make it look like an abduction and tuck me back into bed.
Beware of the deodorants with instructions that ask you to "remove the top and push up bottom"... they could at least make them round.
What if oxygen makes our voice really deep, and Helium just brings it back to normal?