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Kill them with kindness ..and then fart as you walk away
This week’s weather forecast: Sweaty underboobs.
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
I`m glad I`m me, I don`t think anybody else could take it.
The zoo basically has two modes. 1. Lazy sleepy animals. 2. Hard core porn
If you need some help at Home Depot and are being ignored, get on one of their step ladders.
To all who called into work drunk today. Happy St Patrick`s Day.
CPR is the human version of blowing in to a video game cartridge hoping it`ll work again.
Show me on the back of your mini van window where your life went wrong.
Isn`t it weird when a cop drives by you feel paranoid instead of protected.
I`m glad that we as humans settled on the hand shake as a greeting instead of the whole ass sniffing thing.
I wonder if birds look at planes and think "man, I`ve really got to hit the gym"
Calories: the little creatures that go into your closet every night and hem the waistline of all your clothes inch by inch
Obviously the movie "the good wife" is not based on a true story. It`s fiction people.
According to the customer service, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.