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Our parents always taught us NOT to write on walls... Facebook teaches us differently
My minivan is always rocking, but it`s usually because I`m trying to smack one of the kids in the backseat while I drive.
Lottery gives you a 1 in 200M chance of skipping work tomorrow...alcohol is 1 in 5. You play your game...I`ll play mine
Someone needs to take a chain saw to your family tree.
If you listen real closely to my kids arguing tonight, you`ll hear the sound of me pouring a glass of wine.
I’m not fat... my stomach is 3D.
OMG! I went shopping because I needed a skirt and these earings were on special so I bought four new pairs of shoes!
Is it just me, or does this gravy I made taste like scotch? Anyway, best Thanksgiving EVER!
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that sh!t means but at least they`re not talking to you anymore
I can`t help but feel important when someone says there`s a special place in hell for people like me.
i only drink on days that end with y
Part of me says I can´t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, "Don´t listen to that guy. He´s drunk."
"Omg. Why does this store have so many naked pictures of me?"... "Sir those are mirrors, and we`re gonna have to ask you to leave."
If each day is a gift, I wonder where I can return monday.
I`ve been texting so much lately that I move my thumbs from side to side when I`m actually talking to someone.