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I`ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
Does anyone have the owner’s manual for a wife? Mine’s emitting a terrible whining noise.
Now that the Summer is over, I can finally stop pretending to be on a diet
It`s hard to trust humans; even the blind prefer to be guided by dogs.
If you guys could read my mind! It would be all like; " "
Some mornings it`s best just to fill the sink with coffee, dunk you head in, and suck.
If u think someone (me) is cute u should tell them (me)
It`s not cellulite, it`s my body`s way of saying "I`m sexy" ... in braille.
You know you`re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
I’m sorry I offended you with my common sense.
People pay to sponsor animals in the wild and get pic updates on it. Well if anyone would like to sponsor me I will send you a selfie a day.
I can`t go to sleep if any of my apps need to be updated, but will drive my car with the check engine light until it explodes
Shouting "Shotgun" will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
3 Things you need to know: Yes I Have. Yes I Can. Yes I will.
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service, it`s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.