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Looks like Waldo got on the malasian plane.. well played waldo.. well played..
Without stupid people we would have no one to laugh at.
There’s a good reason I’m up this late: because I have to wake up really early.
I`m a multi-tasking procrastinator. I can put off a bunch of sh!t all at the same time.
My internet went down. By which I mean my neighbors changed their password.
Me blacking out when I`m drunk is God`s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
My wife’s cooking brings a whole new meaning to.. eat sh!t and die.
auto-correct has got to be my worst enema.
If you get angry, just relax, take a deep breath and count to ten, unless you`re angry about oxygen and numbers.
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
Happy birthday to my Pet Rock who is 453,786,321 years old today!
Sorry I missed your call ... I was to busy singing and dancing to the ringtone
I wouldn’t pay for a personal trainer, but I would pay someone to just knock unhealthy food out of my hands.
When I get in an elevator, before I press a button I look at everyone inside and say “Are you ready to take this sh!t to a whole new level?”
The hardest things about beginning any new relationship has got to be learning how to fart quietly again.