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You poor thing. You don`t even realize you`re batsh!t crazy, do you?
If my "friends" post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
Sorry for accidentally karate kicking you. Sorry for high-fiving everyone who saw it.
Don`t rush me. I`m waiting for the last minute.
If you`ve never needed to move to a new city and assume a new identity, then we probably haven`t dated.
Before Google, I averaged 220 Snapple bottles before I found the answer.
Don`t hide your feelings. Hide the evidence.
I`m about 0 for 300 in looking for safes behind wall paintings
Knock knock Who`s there? Control Freak. Now you say "Control Freak who?"
So impolite of people to sneak up on you while you’re talking sh!t about them.
The only thing I drink from a shot glass nowdays is Maalox.
It doesn`t matter if you don`t like my personality... I have several more!
There are people on Facebook who don`t realize the difference between "What`s on your mind" or "I should talk to a therapist about this"
When finding someone to date, drinking compatibility is more important than you think.
You can tell a lot about a woman by how she slices brownies. For example: if she throws the knife at you, you should pick up some Midol.