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I´m the kind of person that when my feet hit the ground each morning the devil says, "OH CRAP, HE´S UP"!
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
A plus side to being my friend is that you can come to my house in your pajamas and I won’t judge you because I too will be in my pajamas.
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
Just googled "who gives a sh!t?" My name wasn`t in the search results.
Anybody have plans to stare at their phone somewhere exciting this weekend?
The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance...The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, `Well, she`s there`
I recently added squats to my daily workout routine and I did so by moving my beer to the bottom shelf in my refrigerator.
Why do people ask "What the hell were you thinking?" Obviously I was thinking I was going to get away with it and not get caught.
If Jimmy cracked corn and no one cares, then why the heck is there a song about it?
It was so cold today the local flasher was caught "describing" himself to women.
Can anyone tell me how to become a illegal immigrant, their benefits are undeniably more superior to our own.
It`s so strange to think that before Facebook all of this nonsense just stayed in people`s heads.
…and for my next trick, I will pull this dryer sheet out of my sleeve!
"Because it would be hilarious,"... is probably not a good reason to elect someone to be president.