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I am so deep in the friendzone I have been introduced to her boyfriend`s parents.
I`m not shy. I`m just being quiet because I know that if I open my mouth to speak, a flow of never- ceasing, insulting comment directed at you will immediately spew from within me.
To whoever finds the $20 I dropped last night: spend it on alcohol. It`s what I would have wanted.
Your shadow is a confirmation that light has traveled nearly 93 million miles unobstructed, only to be deprived of reaching the ground in the final few feet thanks to you
Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
Well after 6 months of my girlfriend nagging, I finally did it, I lost 120lbs ... I`m sure gonna miss her.
I love everybody. Some I love to be around, some I love to avoid, and others I love to punch in the face.
"Well, now I see how you came up with the word `Microsoft`." -Melinda Gates (on their wedding night)
It feels like one of them days..... ya know? When you wanna fart and blame the other person for it!
RIGHT NOW YOU HAVE: 3 fingers behind your phone, your pinky tucked under for support and your scrolling with your thumb! LIKE if I’m right!
In theory, sex should be grosser than letting someone borrow your toothbrush, but it`s not.
Most of the lies I tell aren`t even true.
No man has ever won a game of `notice anything different about me?`
I do this thing called "Whatever The F*ck I Want".
Who ever says "words can`t hurt you" has never been hit in the face with a dictionary.