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Pretending to tolerate other people is exhausting.
"Don`t make me regret this." -things I think when accepting a friend request.
One time I snuck a whole rotisserie chicken into a movie, cause candy is for amateurs.
Please God take me back to being 12 & let me start again & mess up my life in an entirely different way. I have fresh ideas.
Its all sh!ts and giggles until someone giggles and sh!ts
I think today I`m going to cut off the sleeves of my snuggie and walk around the neighborhood pretending I`m in a Clint Eastwood western movie.
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
An ex asking to stay friends after you break up is like a kidnapper asking to stay in touch after they let you go.
If you loose a tooth as an adult, the tooth fairy gives you a trailer.
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Some people`s lives are like open books... Mine is like a trashcan without a lid.
I`ve got big plans for the weekend. If things go well, come Monday morning I`m gonna need a chiropractor, a psychiatrist, a priest and bail money.
I`m hoping to avoid a situation where I have to dance to save my own life.
Don’t let anybody push you around ... unless you’re in a wagon, cuz that is just plain fun.
When the kids come home from school they close the door then almost immediately open another door..... The one to the fridge!!!!