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I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior. Me: Can I have another? I`d like to bring a guest.
I love finding money in my clothes. It`s like a gift to me... from me. :)
There should be a day in between Saturday and Sunday.
I scream, You scream, We all scream, Because grandpa forgot his hearing aids again.
You took the time to make your minivan look like a reindeer, but you can`t take one second to hit the turn signal an inch from your fingers?
It`s finally here! .. That time of year when my seasonal depression turns into just regular depression.
If you hear a roommate having loud sex, a cool thing to do is kick down the door and shout "player 3 has entered the game!"
Remember when teachers asked to lie quietly with your head on your desk? My boss has yet to be impressed with this skill.
Don´t be stupid, it´s not smart.
Happy Fat Tuesday! Join me again tomorrow on I`m still fat Wednesday
I hate to be one of those who post cliffhangers but...
In retrospect, replying "Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory", probably wasn`t the best way to respond to my therapist.
I’m not a sore loser ... thanks to Vicodin.
If I had a penny for everytime I heard you bitch at me I`d have enough money to invest in a hitman