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This bartender doesn`t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
I`m not sure why they gave all these other people cars.
Behind every crazy woman is a man that made her that way.
the jeremy kyle show, the only place you`ll see a six month old baby with more teeth than thier parents
"Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend--STOP SCREAMING, I`M ASKING THEM"
Sleep feels the way pizza tastes.
Pretending to be a morning person is exhausting.
From now on when someone asks you where you`re from look them dead in the eye and say: Planet Venus.
When does paying taxes get shut down? Asking for everyone with a job.
I thought she would duck officer- me checking the psychic`s ability
"Omg. Why does this store have so many naked pictures of me?"... "Sir those are mirrors, and we`re gonna have to ask you to leave."
I`d like to share my innermost thoughts and feelings with all of you, but I`m afraid they`ll be used against me in court someday.
Happy 4/21! National work drug testing day!
I worry about people who write "taken" in their bios. Where did they go? Who took them and why aren`t we helping to find them?
I get more cleaning done in the ten minutes before someone comes over than I do in a week.