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Let me be clear, I don`t want to die alone. However I want to be left completely alone until that moment
I can totally relate to cranky elderly people. I mean you can only be nice for so long!
You can’t believe everything you hear, but you can repeat it.
Never let your printer know you`re in a rush, those bastards smell fear
Someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
I think most of my friends hang out with me to see what I’ll say next.
Having a bit of a lazy day, sitting in my underwear looking for jobs online ... My boss doesn`t look amused
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
Me blacking out when I`m drunk is God`s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
The older I get the more use I have for the phrase "bite me."
Hey guy in the car behind me... Honking your horn isn`t going to help me type any faster.
EVERY Friday is good in my book!
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
Pay no attention to the pizza being delivered to the bush outside your bedroom window.
I have a "honk if you think I`m sexy" bumper sticker on my truck so that way on the way to work, if I`m not feeling to excited to be there, I sit at a green light until I feel better.