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Can`t wait to be full of Christmas beer! I mean cheer. No, I definitely mean beer.
I wonder if one day somebody will knock on my door and say to me, “Hey ,we have 7 mutual friends in Facebook; may I come in?"
With the rise of self-driving vehicles, eventually there will be a country song about how your truck left you too.
I read an article the other day that said, "if you drink every day you are an alcoholic." Thank god I only drink every night
I often confuse reptiles and amphibians. Actually, if I`m being brutally honest, they pretty much never know what I`m talking about
I worry about the future because I know my friends that are teachers.
Sometimes I think "What would Dexter do"?
Couples Halloween costumes always end up looking like one person went along with it to save the relationship.
I’m a lonely Status. I wish more people liked me.
If people rode their spouses like they did their brakes the divorce rate would drop drastically.
None of my coworkers get why I have fishbowl with no fish. It`s because fish can`t survive in my secret reservoir of vodka.
My therapist says I`m paranoid, which is exactly what you might expect from a shapeshifting lizard hired by the CIA to track my whereabouts.
The difference between a straight girl and a lesbian is about four or five drinks.
I hate when its dark and your brain is all "you know what we haven`t thought about in a while ... demons."
The best thing about my phone screen shattering is that it now matches my dreams and aspirations.