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Nothing says "My balls are kept in a jar inside her purse" quite like a joint Facebook account
I really shouldn`t have driven home from the bar last night. ..Especially since I walked there. :)
When I bang my toe against something, it’s like I pressed a button that plays every curse word I know.
I love how when your watching a crime show and they have to tell you that "this is a reenactment" oh really? you mean you didn`t actually catch the murder on video?
Success is 1% inspiration, 98% perspiration and 2% attention to detail.
Much like a dog, men will pretty much do anything you want if you feed them first.
If you get pulled over in a Smart Car for speeding, you should get a standing ovation, not a ticket.
It`s amazing how I come up with my best status updates when I`m in the shower or when I`m driving. I think it has a lot to do with me being naked.
I said "sad face emoji" instead of actually frowning today if you want to know how out of touch with reality I am.
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities"
If I’m not eating I’m most likely not happy.
Whoever said "sticks and stones may break your bones but words will never hurt you" has obviously never been hit with a dictionary.
How can there be more horses asses than there are horses?
I would of read and liked your status if it wasn`t like 3 pages long.
Do short people start their childhood stories with "when I was little", too?