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I hope this guy at the urinal next to me can see that I`m checking Facebook and not taking pictures.
Insanity means never having to say “I’m Guilty”.
My age is very inappropriate for my behavior.
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to `laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series` as a "marathon"…
I hate when I’m alone in the dark and my brain says, “Hey, you know what we haven’t thought about in a while? Ghosts..”
Ever wonder why divorces are expensive? Because they are worth it!
I`d rather run a marathon than listen to someone talk about running a marathon.
I’ve been single so long I deserve a bachelors degree.
I`m convinced that homeless people have all the shopping carts with 4 good wheels.
A mosquito landed on my balls... Hardest decision of my life.
Awkward moment when you just wanted a sugar daddy but becomes the First Lady of America!
Bacon has protein. Spinach has protein. Bacon is a vegetable.
This strip mall certainly is misleading And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
All I’m saying is, you’ve never seen me crying and eating tacos at the same time.
Home is where the alcohol is.