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If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors and all of them got laid.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
I always close my eyes when I kiss a woman. Experience tells me that if my eyes are open, I get a lot more pepper spray in them.
Someone said to me earlier, "Your face looks very familiar". I said, "I know, I`ve had it a long time."
If I had known "cuties" were little oranges when my wife asked me to "bring a few home," I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
is it just me, or did anyone else think that we would be living like the Jetson´s by 2011?
Single ladies, stop saying you should just give up & get a cat , if no man wants you , don`t force an innocent cat to live with you..
A mosquito landed on my balls... Hardest decision of my life.
I don`t get nearly enough credit for managing not to be a violent psychopath
Chaos, panic and disorder. My work here is done.
Shouting "Not it!" should still make us exempt from doing anything that we don`t feel like doing.
Social Media: Because I like to socialize with cool people without having to speak, wear pants or get off the couch.
Sometimes saying "F*ck it" is the best decision.
Subway only exists because we`re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together. "Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here`s $8."
Despite its name, Gatorade is pretty much fatal to alligators. I’m not allowed to volunteer at the zoo anymore.