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Jehovah`s witnesses don`t celebrate Halloween. I guess they don`t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
Some days your the bug; some days your the windshield.
I`m not a doctor but I play one on Match.com
My new plan is to ignore my problems until they become hilarious stories.
I`m kinda like an onion, not in some deep I have layers way, but if you see me naked, you`ll cry.
Shout out to all the ladies at church today in the same clothes from the club last night.
My girlfriend left a note on the fridge, "It`s not working. I cant take it anymore, I`m going to moms" I opened the fridge, the light came on, the beer was cold, WTF is she talking about?
Made some terrible life choices the last few years. Just kidding. I`m married and not allowed to make decisions.
There are four main food groups: 1. Canned 2. Frozen 3. Fried 4. Drive-thru
If you`re not employed by the Secret Service, there is absolutely no reason to have a Bluetooth on your ear.
If I can’t act weird around you, I’m sorry we can’t be friends.
Can you make garlic bread out of frozen waffles? Asking for someone who wishes they had remembered garlic bread at the store.
This morning I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering. 98 of them said, "How did you get in here?"
Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side.
These statuses are a lot better if you imagine them being read by Morgan Freeman.