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I swear, if my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party.
The most amazing thing about the internet is how it allows you, with the click of a few buttons, to do absolutely nothing with your life.
Facebook is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
On a scale of 1 to "Me".. how smart are you?
If you have really strong opinions on subjects that you know very little about... then Facebook just may be the perfect thing for you.
You’ll never get the same results running in place as you will running from a lion.
Every time I`m not with my kid and someone asks me "Where`s the baby?" I just yell "Oh crap!" and run in the direction I came from.
So who wants to tell the person who just threw a new phone book on my porch about the internet?
Wesley Snipes was released from prison this week. Now he can finally begin filming "Blade 4: Twilight."
My friend thinks he`s so smart. He said onions are the only food that can make you cry. So I threw a coconut at his face.
I went for a run tonight. Sure, it was a beer run but, I was still sweating by the end.
I don’t think my inner child is ever moving out.