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Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
Me: "Why do all the people I love leave me?!" UPS Guy: "Please Mam, just sign"
Take your age. Subtract 3. Then add 3. That is your age.
My favorite flavor of ice cream is yes.
Coworker drank the last of the coffee and now he`s going to the clinic for a `work related` injury.
This "doing nothing" is hard work, how am I supposed to know when I`m done?
Congrats on winning an argument with your woman...... Your prize is a night on the couch.
Do you realize that Scrooge was essentially water-boarded into changing his outlook on Christmas?
When i see a person hailing a cab, i run quickly by them and slap them a high five just to boost their enthusiasm!
If you could have one super power would you pick flying, invisibility, or falling asleep without questioning every decision you`ve ever made
Walmart needs observation decks.
Was up all night wondering, why do people compliment me for having all my sh!t together & yet still insult me for being full of it?
From now on when I accept a friend request I`ll just write on their wall: You belong to me now.
Women are like bacon: they look good, they smell good, they taste good, and they will slowly kill you
I really have to stop using this little microphone on my phone that types whatever you say as it keeps making mistakes punctuation point