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Hey dude who flipped me off in the Subway parking lot for honking at you, you left your dinner on top of your car.
I don`t know what`s more awkward, answering Dora, or sitting in silence while she stares at you.
People all around the world are out doing interesting and productive things right now. You are reading this.
I`ve always pictured myself taking selfies.
That awkward moment when you open a fortune cookie and all you get is some vague, cryptic statement that`s not even a fortune.
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
So if a dentist makes money off people with unhealthy teeth, why should we trust a toothbrush that 4 out of 5 dentists recommend?
Dear Fork, I understand that we haven`t spoken since I ran away with dish, but I thought you should know that you have a son. His name is Spork. He has your hair. Sincerely, Spoon
Is Nudeism a religion?
I don`t even know why chicks spend so much time and money on their hair when all guys look at is their tits.
If you think about it, before the first mirror was invented, if you didn’t live near a body of water, you had no idea what you looked like.
Bands who can`t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
Instead of going to Starbucks, I like to make my own coffee, yell my name out incorrectly, and then light a $5 bill on fire.
My girlfriend is about to do this ice water bucket challenge. She don`t know yet though she`s still in bed
most teens are switching to twitter instead of facebook. noone wants to get on facebook and catch dad pocking mom... if you kno what I mean;)