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World Cup Soccer? If I wanted to watch someone struggle to score for 90 minutes, I`d go watch some of my single friends at the bar.
Just once, I would like to see a person on a daytime talk show say, "dad was a good parent...mom was a good parent...the problem is me, I`m just a sh!thead."
My Doctor says I`m a serious alcoholic, but I think I`m more of a funny alcoholic.
I prefer my kale with a silent "K"
My high school girlfriend got "uses her kids as her facebook profile picture" fat.
Friendship is like peeing on yourself; everyone can see it but only you can feel the warmth that it brings.
If my girl didn`t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn`t have said she bought it "for me." Women are confusing.
Am I the only one who would like to see Punxsutawney Phil bite off the finger of the person that wakes him up every Groundhog Day.
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they`re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
Unless you fell off the treadmill and smashed your face, nobody wants to hear about your workout.
I never give money to bums because a.) They probably make more money than I do. b.) They work from home. c.) They get to drink on the job.
Agreeing to disagree is lame. Let’s agree to take turns slapping each other until one of us admits we were wrong.
For Christmas I just want summer...
I believe in the silver rule of life: Do unto others then run!
If your day was that bad, why do you assume we want to know about it?