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"IT`S A BOY" I shouted, tears rolling down my face "I DON`T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!" It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky men that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped her.
When my husband gives me shit for taking too long to get ready, I remind him that you never know when you`ll meet the man of your dreams.
Accidentally took a women`s multi vitamin & I`ve been trying to get dressed for the past 3 hours, but everything is making me look fat.
Just used the holiday card with your kid`s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
The best way to make a bad day better is by adding alcohol.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather did, not screaming for their lives like the passengers in the back of his truck
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, "Who murdered this guy with a pipe?"
If you get excited that jumping on the bed won`t spill the wineglass on the other side, you`re probably an alcoholic.
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny sh!t.
I have found my sleep number and it is eleven, eleven beers.
President Donald Trump will sign an executive order tomorrow to bring back Pluto as a planet. Make the universe GREAT again.
Trail Mix: M&Ms with obstacles
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
Dear single guys; open a pet shop selling cats. Let the single ladies come to you.