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At my age I can no longer function without my glasses. Especially when they`re empty.
I hear my ex is now into orgies, or at least that`s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on her behalf said.
Hunting is easier for vegans because it’s easier to sneak up on plants.
Person: You`re blocking the view. Me: B!tch, I am the view!
I drank an energy drink so if anyone needs help packing, pushing your car to a gas station or shaking the leaves off a tree
Standing up: Wow, I`m actually kind of skinny. Sitting down: Okay, maybe not..
I wish I could write `` I Miss You `` on a rock and throw it at your face, so you can know how much it HURTS to miss you
Clearly, you are a person with an open mind. I can feel the breeze from here.
Don`t half a$$ it. It`s not a real nap unless you take your pants off.
Fun Game: Walk down a hallway with both arms outstretched to the walls while shouting, "Hug me or turn around!!!"
When one door closes another one opens. Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work.
Unless you are selling Thin Mints, don’t ever knock on my door.
I`ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
The real fountain of youth is to have a dirty mind and a naughty smile.
I have blank business cards I hand out and call them my “none of your business” cards.