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If doing things was as easy as thinking about doing things I’d get a lot more done.
You’d think “attractive neighbor leaves curtains open” would appear in more real estate listings.
I`m sticking to my guns ... I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
The boss keeps talking about a company 401k ... I don`t think I can run that far
I dont mind if you call me Crazy, but dont you dare call me stupid. Because to be this crazy some intelligence is definitely required.
The only thing that makes me happy about the launch of a new model cell phone is that I can finally afford the previous model.
The internet...turning cowards into tough guys daily.
When your boss says "You need help", he never means a hitman.
Kids these days with their high tech cell phones. They will never get the experience of being stuck in a tree and not knowing if anyone is coming to help. Oh, and could someone come and set my ladder back up so I can get down.
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex. Now it`s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
I need a new bad decision.
Love is like a Hot Pocket: If you rush into it, you`re bound to get burned
Dear iPhone, Please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
I really think my life would be a lot better if my fitness app would just lower its standards
I used to think I was good at multi-tasking. Turns out it’s just my multiple personalities doing one task at a time.