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I`m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist....
Why hasn`t anyone invented a button next to the snooze which emails your boss to say you`re gonna be late?
If I go missing this holiday season and there’s a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at the gym.
I`ll do a lot of things for money, but I draw the line at working...
Oh, I thought you were talking about napping. In that case no, I`m not good in bed.
I like how flies rub their hands together like tiny criminals
Dear, automatic flushing toilet, I appreciate the enthusiasm.... But I wasn`t finished.
If I randomly burst out in laughter, it`s usually `cause I just told myself a joke I`d never heard before :)
If you were home alone in the middle of the night, and you heard a fart, would you laugh or be scared.
This police sketch artist has no idea that he`s about to draw me as the most bad ass Batman caricature ever.
For men who think.."A women`s place is in the kitchen," Just remember, that`s where the Knives are kept!
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
facebooked yo mama!!!
"Half a dozen" because saying `6` is way too long...
Typical: you have nothing to wear for a party and suddenly the rabbits, the birds and the mice begin to sew you a dress