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You can`t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
The "best part of waking up" doesn`t even make sense.
Well, I`m really not sure what my spirt animal is but I`m sure it looks like road kill right about now.
Does Starbucks have an express lane if your order is 10 words or less?
I`m gonna surprise my hand with some sex tonight!
Everyone has a purpose in life ... Perhaps mine is finding things to bitch about.
drinking while working out...it`s called Bacardio
Giving people the finger while driving just isn`t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
why were you in my dreams again? i`m starting to think you`re stalking me.
Sooooo, ..a friend of mine was watching my dog lick herself in a certain area. Out of nowhere he says, "I wish I could do that." ...I said, "Go ahead, but she might bite."...
Missed connection: you were washing your car in a bathing suit. I rode past your house 78 times. You threw a rock at me.
I can`t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don`t need their assistance in the bathroom.
The saying, "Say no to drugs" has always made me laugh. If you`re talking to drugs, it`s probably too late to say no to them.
A fun way to "Break up" is to tell them to "Go long" and then never throw them the football.
.Monday: No. Tuesday: Ugh. Wednesday: Why. Thursday: Omg. Friday: Finally. Saturday: Yes. Sunday: Crying.