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On the bright side, I`m relieved we live in a society where we acknowledge that the people who make sandwiches are artists.
You look over-medicated. What`s your doctor`s name?
"Please don`t put a million dumb photos of me on your Facebook... it just annoys your friends" - Every baby
How to live a happy life: 1)Do whatever you want 2)Don`t worry 3)Eat whatever you want 4)Don`t take advice from strangers on the internet
I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, “well that’s not going to happen.”
Admit it, you have that one voice that you only use on animals and babies.
My boss was all, "Do you know why I called you to the office, " and I was like, "I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom."
Hash browns not tags.
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes the reason is that you’re ignorant and make bad decisions.
You seem to be very educated on the things you make up.
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
Donald Duck, saying screw you to pants since 1934.
People who say you can´t buy happiness just don´t know where to shop.
If you have to tell us that you`ve been going to the gym, you probably need to go more often....
Sleep is my drug, my bed is my dealer, and my alarm clock is police.