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Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn`t know you did that for fun.
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
If you think your wife is crazy now. Wait untill you divorce her.
Facebook needs a "slap a b!tch button"
Am I the only one who would like to see Punxsutawney Phil bite off the finger of the person that wakes him up every Groundhog Day.
I saw something that reminded me of you.. so I flushed the toilet and washed my hands(:
A word to the wise ain`t necessary - it`s the stupid ones that need the advice!
If we ever travel thousands of light years to a planet inhabited by intelligent life, let’s just make patterns in their crops and leave.
Being single is the worst sh!t ever. Being in a relationship is a close second.
Give a man a beer and he wastes an hour, teach him how to brew, and he wastes a lifetime.
Every pair of panties can be a thong if your a$$ is big enough.
I was born to be happy… not normal.
I`ve never heard an alarm going off on a car worth stealing.
ATM`s need to have breathalyzers.
Someone smells like cigarettes and bad decisions.......Oh it`s me? Sorry about that.