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I want rich people problems. Like where to park my yacht.
The most common crossfit injury is a black eye from talking about it too much.
I think sex is probably the best stress reliever, but I haven’t beaten anyone with a baseball bat before, so I can’t be 100% sure.
The United States is probably the only country in the world where people need energy drinks to sit in front of a computer all day.
Live in the moment. Unless the moment sucks. Then live on Facebook.
I`m not fat, God gave me built in airbags because I`m so precious.
Do you realize that Scrooge was essentially water-boarded into changing his outlook on Christmas?
If you have a mirror handy, kindly gaze into it and you will find your problem
why do people with bad teeth always have a smile on there face
I once shot a man with a paintball gun just to watch him dye.
I`m tired of being the better person. One day I`d like to be the bitch that they claim I am.
We can put laser-equipped robots on Mars, but wrinkled dollar bills still don’t work in vending machines?
Taxes are like a subscription to your country that you can`t cancel, no matter how bad the service gets.
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives. I`ll decide what is "fresh" and "natural" and "like a real girl" thank you very much.
If you didn’t want me stopping by for cake, you shouldn’t have advertised your birthday with balloons & banner on your mailbox.