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Sugar` is the only word in English that starts with `su` and sounds like `sh`. I`m sure of it.
"mommy watch this!" is the toddler equivalent of "hold my beer and watch this"
It`s weird how after they couldn`t put Humpty Dumpty back together the King`s men were like "Let`s give the horses a shot at it"
If I owned an auto collision shop, I’d name it “Auto Correct.”
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
I always tell my kids that it`s ok to make mistakes as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
For every action, there’s an equal and opposite reaction. Plus a social media overreaction.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats
I`ve officially met everyone`s mother yesterday via Facebook so I`m pretty sure that takes me out of the friend zone here ladies
Ever notice your Christmas stocking has just enough room for chocolates and a bottle of wine. Coincidence? I don`t think soooo.
If Monday was a movie, it would be very long and boring.
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
Apparently, driving past police cars while drinking water from an old vodka bottle isn`t `funny` and is technically `wasting` police time :(
If you`re ever worried there`s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. If no one laughs, there`s no one there
Home is where the alcohol is.