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The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that`s just science.
I know you people are crazy. I can spot my own kind a mile away.
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don`t want to do.
Empty your medicine cabinet and put another mirror in there. Scares the hell out of snooping house guests.
Three weeks without a signal typo!
I’m going to start responding to videos people post of their babies on Facebook with videos of me getting nine hours of sleep.
My girlfriend told me to grow a pear… What the hell does fruit have to do with killing this spider?
If spiders ever come to the realization that people are terrified of them, we`re f*cked.
It`s kind of weird that beams of electricity strike down from the sky and we`re all just okay with it.
If your girlfriend says she`s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall...You might be dating my wife.
Having a 14 year old has made me realize why some species eat their young.
Lazy Rule#15325434090371466: you`re so lazy you didn`t even finish reading the number.
Calories: the little creatures that go into your closet every night and hem the waistline of all your clothes inch by inch
My family tree is a cactus, we`re all pricks.
I`m just amazed after all these years that we STILL haven`t seen Mario`s buttcrack.