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That awkward moment when your sarcasm is so advanced people think you`re stupid.
"It`s not a pyramid scheme" is a phrase almost exclusively used by people involved in pyramid schemes
Getting out of bed feels like the worst thing that’s ever happened to me ... every time it happens.
I was so disturbed by hearing about all the people using marijuana today that I almost dropped my deep-fried Snickers bar into my 48oz Coke.
Welcome to WebMD. Type quickly, you don`t have long.
I always keep a spare pair of shoes at work that I change into so people don`t know it`s me when I`m taking a dump.
Just...sitting...thinking...planning my next move to get that new roll of toilet paper about 5 feet away from me.
One time I threw a boomerang and lost it, now I live in constant fear.
I wish I could forget you as easy as I forget my passwords.
You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment when you know that you aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It`s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
Nothing is impossible.. Never Give Up.. I know a guy that once actually guessed correctly why his girlfriend was mad at him.. :|
sleep is for people without netflix
Top 5 things I stare into: 1) My phone. 2) The fridge. 3) Space. 4) The abyss. 5) Your windows.
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I`ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.