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How do I tell my boss I don`t want to do work anymore but still want money.
If you got up this morning and ran straight to fb i am 100% POSITIVE its because you missed me.
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
Facebook should win an Emmy for Best Daytime Dramas.
Getting to places would be so much easier if I had a helicopter.
I wonder how long I`d be on hold if my call wasn`t important to them.
Everytime I see a mattress tied to the top of a car, I think….there’s another prostitute making a house call……
No one is as ugly as their driver`s license, and nobody is attractive as their profile picture.
Conspiracy theorists are all so dumb that I suspect they`ve been planted by a secret organization to distract us from what`s really going on
If you were born after 1990, you will never know the frustration of having to rewind your parents porn tapes to the exact same spot...
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
I find if you sprinkle some bacon bits on a salad, but don’t actually add any salad, then its a pretty good salad.
I`m starting to think I overuse exclamation points. It ends today. Right now. I`ll never ever use one again. I`m so excited about it. Yes.
My version of Heaven would be filled with all the things I`d probably go to hell for.
just realised MR OWL ATE MY METAL WORM is exactly the same backwards