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They say love is in every corner... my life must be a f*cking circle!
Roses are red, violets are blue, If i had a brick id throw it at you.
Just because I`m awake doesn`t mean I`m ready to do things
Light travels faster than sound. That`s why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body. Some people are capable of getting on every last one of them.
What do they give the person that has everything? antibiotics
I legitimately thought I was having a pretty productive day until I realized my phone is set to west coast time and I`m in New York.
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don`t have to share.
The only thing I`ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
Farted in my wallet, Now I have gas money.
If my cats have taught me anything, its how to ignore people.
Liam Neeson trained Batman, Obi Wan, and Darth Vader. He is both Aslan and Zeus…and he punches wolves. Why would you kidnap his family?
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
I can see your camouflage pants, so they`re not working.
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.