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At least my motivation gets to sleep in.
You call it being sober. I call it on my way to the liquor store.
FACT: The "sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don`t" is not really a good defense in court
Father: Earlier you used to call me papa but now dad, why? Daughter: Come on dad, calling you PAPA spoiles my lipstick.
My greatest achievement today was writing this status.
I’m on that new diet where you eat everything and hope for a miracle!
Sticks and stones, break my bones, but hollow points expand on impact!
Nice try, St. Patrick`s Day, but I don`t need a reason to drink.
When your parties have glasses instead of red cups, you’re a grown up.
According to maxipad commercials, all women are full of blue windshield washer fluid...
When people say they work like a dog, I look at mine and think they must mean they just lay around all day and poop wherever they feel like.
Bored? Simply send a text message to a random number saying..."I`m Pregnant!"
Relationship status: Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
Most days I think I understand women, but then the alcohol wears off.
My "Kiss me, I`m Irish" shirt only seems to be working on my dog.