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Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior. Me: Can I have another? I`d like to bring a guest.
"It`s cold!", "Happy birthday!", "I`m so blessed", "Political rant!"... There, now you don`t have to go to Facebook today. You`re welcome.
To the 84yo woman that won the $591 million dollar PowerBall, sup baby ;)
A lot of people are only alive because I shed too much hair to ever get away with murder.
I was like "No, Pepsi is NOT ok. I wanted a Coke." And she was all "Sir, 911 should only be dialed for real emergencies."
When people stay in a horrific relationship instead of breaking up, I assume they killed someone together.
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you`re better off staying home with no pants on.
My girlfriend left a note on the fridge, "It`s not working. I cant take it anymore, I`m going to moms" I opened the fridge, the light came on, the beer was cold, WTF is she talking about?
Hey ladies who complain about falling in when we leave the toilet seat up; how about you first check if the runway is there before you bring the plane down.
There’s a reason why “sober” and “so bored” sound almost exactly the same.
I consider each one of my friends a gift. Now if only I could remember where I put some of those receipts.
It`s pretty neat how owning a pool gives me an excuse to own every chemical needed to make a body completely disappear.
The amount of time my smartphone spends plugged in charging, you might as well want to call it a Land-line
There should be a law requiring the cashier to high five you every time you buy a box of condoms.
I smile because your my daughter. I laugh because there`s nothing you can do about it. ;)