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I bet the "YMCA" dance is a lot harder to do in different languages
Facial recognition software can pick out a person in a crowd, but this stupid vending machine at work can`t recognize my dollar bill with a bent corner...
Sunglasses: I don’t want to make awkward eye contact with certain people.
I always try to go the extra mile at work, but my boss always finds me and brings me back.
If I was a Jedi there is a 100% chance that I would use the Force inappropriately.
John has 35 candy bars. If John eats 27 of them what does he have? .... Diabetes. John has diabetes.
I used to have a life. Then some idiot came along and said "Why don’t you make a Facebook account? It`s fun".
The skeletons in your closet are suggesting that you upgrade to a double wide, walk-in.
It`s been discovered that 1% of the population is allergic to Gluten. The other 99% are sick and tired of hearing about it......
Winter is filled with men trying to figure out the least feminine way to apply chapstick.
Just a word of advice for all you single guys having a hard time out there, Forget the clubs, forget the churches, forget the online dating sites, as the best places to meet single women are the freezer section and down the cat food isle.....
Today`s Big Idea: Coffee eye drops.
Doctors are saying that each piece of bacon you eat takes 9 minutes off your life.... Based on the math, I should have died in 1732.
If at first you don’t succeed, look in the trash for the instructions
If you can`t say something nice about someone, you probably know the same people I do.