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I love being married. It`s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
There`s nothing better than a nap after a good nights sleep.
If anyone asks, I`m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
Sleep feels the way pizza tastes.
If I could trade places with anyone for a day it would have to be on the day I die. I wouldn`t want to be me on that day.
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they`d lose the alarm and just announce that there`s free food by the stairs.
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes that reason is that you’re a terrible person and had it coming.
I`ve officially reached the point in my life where the trash goes out on Friday nights way more often than I do.
I got the girl to hysterically laugh today just by asking her out for a date.
As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can´t remember the other two.
Do whatever you want, and if it`s something you`re going to regret in the morning, sleep late.
Every snack you make, every meal you bake, every bite you take, I`ll be watching you. - Dog
I`m not saying i hate you but if you were on fire and i had water i would drink it
DiGiorno should start delivering, just to screw with people.
Boobs make me forget about all the bad things in the world.