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A friend of mine asked what it`s like to raise a small toddler so I coughed directly in his mouth
My wife even says "NO" in her sleep. The force is strong with this one.
Stop complaining about being single on Valentine`s Day. We have bigger problems in this world. Like why McDonald`s doesn`t serve breakfast after 10.30
A good lawyer knows the law ... A great lawyer knows the judge.
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
No matter how much you push the envelope - it`ll still be stationery.
People who copy and paste jokes from other’s status messages are idiots…A few seconds ago • Like • Comment
Turbo Tax might just be the worst video game I`ve ever played.
Being able to eat while watching Hannibal makes you more of a psychopath than anyone on the show.
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old. So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy. I came back drunk.
I wish I could pick which brain cells the alcohol kills....There`s ALOT of crap I wish I could forget about.....
Shout out to ATM fees for making me buy my own money.
There’s no excuse for laziness.. but if you find one, let me know.