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Why is there a show called “When animals attack”? It should be called “When stupid people go near dangerous animals.”
Don`t exercise ... fat people are harder to kidnap
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes… Can you pick me up some beer on your way back?
Siri, destroy the vehicle in front of me.
Who`s up for some curling in my driveway?
I bet now a lot of doctors are going to be reluctant to respond to “Is there a doctor on the plane?”
I’m too young to be too old for everything.
Don`t worry about old age, it doesn`t last that long.
Warning: I just get weirder.
Remember…it’s only embarrassing if you care what people think.
It`s not that I`m judging you, but you hung your toilet roll the wrong way and I just think it best if we never spoke again.
Apparently “cheesecake & tacos” wasn’t the answer the interviewer was looking for when he asked me what my weaknesses are.
Strange new trend at work. People putting names on food in the company fridge. Yesterday I ate a tuna sandwich named Jennifer.
I have decided to give up procrastinating for Lent ... oh, crap.
“I’m sorry” and “my bad” mean the same thing… Unless you’re at a funeral.