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Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, "Please wear."
When someone is in a bad mood, I like to help matters by pointing out several times that they seem to be in a bad mood.
Life is basically trying to meet better people than the ones you currently know.
A person who is bad at math should never take a calculated risk.
Childless people wondering what it`s like to have some kiddos? Make a lovely healthy breakfast. Take it and throw it all over the floor.
Getting to places would be so much easier if I had a helicopter.
All alcohol will make my clothes fall off… tequila just makes that happen in public.
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2.
Don`t sugar-coat it, I`ll just lick that off....
You are not a "Food Blogger", you`re a "Fat a$$ with a laptop"
Of course bears sh!t in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
I can tell how productive I was at work by how much battery my cell phone has left when I leave.
Men who claim women belong in the kitchen definitely do not know what to do with them in the bedroom!
Asked my wife if she would be my friend on FB again, she said no. She said my “funny” status updates are annoying. Therefore, I must conclude she loves me for my body...
You call it reckless driving, I call it searching for my lighter.