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I`d rather run into the four horsemen of the apocalypse than a group of women out on a "girls` night."
“If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my best” literally translates to “I’m a loud, sloppy drunk.”
They should have cell phone chargers in waiting rooms instead of magazines.
Last night my wife said to me, “What would you do without me?” Apparently, “Your sister” was the wrong answer.
I`m easily influenced... That`s why I try not to watch too much porn
I have 500 friends and only 499 Birthday wishes on facebook! I`ll remember that when it`s YOUR birthday #405!!!
Defeat....the feeling you get when you realize the "next" level is just as hard......
I’ve been searching for my stolen bed. And I won’t rest until I find it.
How can I go to sleep when this movie I’ve seen 70 times just started?
Thinking about waking up early for a run. Mostly thinking about how I will not be doing that.
you know what`s funny? Obviously neither do I or I would have posted it.
I`m probably not going to get accepted into the optimist club.
Grammar is important! Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your Uncle jack off a horse.
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
Things that make you go Mmmmmmm - Duct Tape