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I put mirrors on the ceiling because I like to see how I look when I`m eating pizza alone.
All I`m saying is that the cheese grater wouldn`t have 4 sides if they wanted you to wash it after every use.
Ahhh another Monday at work...... I`m having as much fun as a colorblind person playing Twister!
That moment when you realize your children have your twisted sense of humor...And you don`t know whether to be proud or scared.
Today is "National Take Your Flask To Work Day." ... I just made it up. Tell the others.
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount...
I never said I was better than everyone else, just better than you.
We spend so much money on buying different clothes... without realizing the best moments are spent without clothes
Look in the mirror and tell me that God does not have a sense of humor.
I just saw a bus that you would look amazing under.
Me? Stalk? No, I just observe... behind a tree... at night…in the rain.
Whenever someone says to me “Things could be worse” I punch them in the face and say “Like that?”
ready for bed - gunna give my sheets some arse and my pillows head;]
When I have a yard sale I play the theme song to Sanford & Son with a boombox on my porch.
The self-driving car should have an "I`m Feeling Lucky" button that drives you to a random location.