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Sometimes I speak in a different font but no one ever notices.
Every-time I run I hear Mario Brothers theme song in my head, and look for things to jump over.
I hate when I get to work and I`m at work.
Ladies, when it comes to stalking, I`m 100% behind you.
I would eat a lot more healthy food if it required no preparation or stayed fresh as long as junk food.
My bank account is more like a countdown to my homelessness
Wake up, kids! Bees can`t even read, much less spell. IT`S A SCAM!
The ski racks on my car say I’m fun, adventurous, and can’t figure out how to take the ski racks off my car.
Why do cops get mad when other cops have jurisdiction over a case? I`d be like cool I`m going home to eat.
Every member of my family is polite & courteous which I why our pantry has 17 boxes of cookies that contain exactly one remaining cookie
My new dating profile just says "I`m tired of masturbating."
I believe in equality. If we have a 5 day week of work, we should have 5 day weekends as well dammit.
I cant wait to show everyone at work my new cough
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
If I say "I don`t know, let me look", I`m really just spinning around in my chair a few times while you`re on hold.