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To the people that post 15 pics of your kid everyday,your kid looks EXACTLY the same as they did ystrdy,and the day before,and the day before that
Gas prices are a lot like girls: We just wish they would go down.
All I see on Facebook is penis, orgasm, bang him, bang her, bullwhip, masturbate, porn, tits, and then I read everyone else`s posts..
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I`m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
My ex wife claims I have "commitment issues" like I didn`t just wait in line for 30 minutes to get a hot dog at Costco.
I would call my fashion style: “clothes that still fit.”
I just became a professional Counterfeiter, I even have the certificates to prove it.
When I got divorced, we split the house. I got the outside....
I need to stop making things more complicated than they need to be. I`m adding that to my bucket Power Point presentation.
Maybe the reason the world keeps making idiots famous is because 75% of the world is made up of idiots.
I feel sorry for people who don`t have dogs. I hear they have to pick up food they drop on the floor.
Insomnia improves your math skills. You spend all night calculating how much sleep you`ll get if you "fall asleep right now".
I think I have 10 inches of Global Warming on my driveway.
Whenever I see a woman breastfeeding in public, my first reaction is to get in line.
Every store should have one line for people who have their sh!t together.