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When you wish upon a shooting star, all your dreams will come true. Unless the star is really a meteor about to destroy the earth. Then, you´re pretty much dead no matter what you wish for.
I`m not fat, God gave me built in airbags because I`m so precious.
I go to a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
Some people should be ticketed for wearing spandex
One of my favorite discoveries about adulthood is that there are literally no rules stopping you from eating an entire row of Oreos at once.
I don`t always say `oops`, but when I do, it`s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
oh look at the time, it`s time to not care
Those teardrop tattoos mean you cried during the notebook, right?
Alcohol doesn`t make you fat, it makes you lean..........against tables, chairs, walls, and garbage cans.
Life is like a p@nis. Simple, soft, straight, relaxed and hanging freely. Then women make it hard
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
I didn’t say “what?” because I can’t hear you. I was giving you a chance to change what you said.
It`s scientifically proven that stress is caused by giving a f*ck.
Illiterate? Well then sign up today for free online reading classes!
Weekends will from now on begin on Wednesday because that is when it should truly begin!