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I`ve polished the mirror in the bathroom so much, you can see your face in it.
I fell off the wagon because I was too drunk to keep my balance
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
Give a kid a Pop Tart and they eat for a day. Teach a kid how to make a Pop Tart and you sleep in all summer
Does anyone know how much water I`m supposed to add to this baby powder, to make an infant?
Shout out to the new couples still holding in farts.
I never sign anything until I pretend to read it first..
The most important part of being on a gluten free diet is telling everyone about it.
I hate those new parents who do the `baby talking`, yes I do, yes I do...
I`m gonna surprise my hand with some sex tonight!
There are two reasons I would never drink toilet water. Number 1 and number 2.
I took a sexual harassment course this afternoon ....I think I`m gonna be pretty good at it.
Why doesn`t, "I have a headache!" work for when I don`t want to mow the yard?
Coffee eyedrops! Another million dollar idea.
be smart, pretend to be stupid!