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I carved my name in a fruitcake in 1982. If anyone gets it this year, post a pic!
Sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck.
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100`s of strangers` mouths
Saying “do I smell popcorn ” right after you fart, so everyone takes in a deep breath.
That awkward moment when you`re telling the truth, but start laughing like crazy and everyone thinks you`re lying.
Just picked the remote up off the floor with my foot while laying on the sofa so I guess today is leg day.
I know it`s 3 meals a day,,,,,, But how many at night?
When I go through an automated car wash I close my eyes, because it`s easier to pretend I`m in a car that way.
The best person to get thrown in jail with would have to be the Kool-Aid Man.
The more I drink the better my Idea`s seem to get.
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
I`ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can`t find his nuggets.
Im just waiting for the day for Ashton Kutcher to go to Charlie Sheen and say "its stilll your show. YOU JUST BEEN PUNK`D!"
Marrying your high school sweetheart is like taking the banker`s first offer on Deal or No Deal.
It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs… because they always take things literally