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More food should come with prizes inside it.
Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
Don`t judge. Maybe I`m conducting a study of the effects of prolonged laziness on a human body. You don`t know.
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
You know you`re non-domesticated when the only reason you finally transfer the dishes from the sink to the dishwasher is so you can gain access to the garbage disposal.
I`m about 0 for 300 in looking for safes behind wall paintings
i make the other half of the Oreo watch.
Yes... I repost. Isn`t that kinda the point? Spread the love and shit? Mostly shit... But that`s your fault...
A cop just pulled me over and said papers - so I said scissors, I win and drove off.
Today I have been sober for 100 days. Not, like, in a row or anything. Just in total.
When someone is murdered, they always investigate the spouse 1st. And that pretty much tells you everything you need to know about marriage.
I trust Snapple facts more than CNN and Fox News.
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I`m proud of him, I doubt he`ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
My sex life is just like my typing skills. One handed.
Crazy is not a destination, it is a way of life.