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My doctor told me to stop drinking...Then he told me to stop laughing.
They sell Harvard shirts at Target so that’s a good way to save $ 399,984.05.
“Wow! My political opinion just changed because of what you posted on Facebook” – said no one ever.
Thought I saw a kangeroo today turned out to be a greyhound taking a dump !
Oh, you think you have relationship problems? Try separating me from my bed in the morning...
I know the voices aren`t real but they have some great ideas.
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just "Morning," don`t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ "Noon." Seriously, what did ya expect?
Ever been in the middle of writing a great post and think, did I just run someone over?
Just printed out 50 copies of today`s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I`m just not in the mood for small talk.
Every time I see an abandoned shoe on the highway it reminds me of some of the drunken nights we use to have.
I`m right 98% of the time. Who cares about the other 3%?
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, "Would you take a photo of me?" If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
I`m sorry. Putting up with your sh!t isn`t on my To-Do list today.
Avoid hangovers: stay drunk ;)