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I wear a ski mask to bed so if there`s a home invasion, the intruder will think I`m part of the team.
If you`re one in a million, there are more than 7,000 of you.
I retired from being my brothers keeper when I realised that I was letting in goals that wouldn`t have scored if his post was empty
Called AA by mistake. Those drunks can`t change a tire for sh*t.
The guest of honour was a bit subdued. The Keyboardist was playing too softly for my liking. But it was a good turnout, lots of food and laughter. But break out into one choreographed `Thriller` dance routine and the crowd goes all apesh!t and tosses you out of the funeral home.
It takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do.
Life would be so much more interesting if we all had cartoon bubbles over our heads.
If you think buying condoms is awkward, try returning them...
Huh, So you are telling me that these straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress? And not for what I`ve been using them for all this time?
Madonna is 55 her boyfriend is 22. Tina Turner is 75 her boyfriend is 40. JLo is 42 her boyfriend is 26. Still single? Relax. Your boyfriend hasn`t been born yet.
Serving sarcasm with a smile since 1984.
The only reason I offer to be the designated driver is so people will get used to seeing me load lifeless bodies into my car.
I wish real life had as many ejection seats as cartoons.
Whether a Vacuum is on or off, it`s always collecting dust.
Stop undressing me with your eyes!...Use your teeth!