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This status was brought to you by me being bored on the toilet.
If you really want to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I`ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I`ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
Few things are creepier than someone saying "I know" after you introduce yourself.
Well that`s a wrap on another day where I act like I know what I`m doing.
I`d like to thank (you know who) for the (you know what) I`ll talk to you later (you know where) and if I don`t (you know why).
I’m glad we can’t smell each other through the internet.
I`ve got my wise-ass in my smartypants so I`m ready for anything!
Do you think Santa regrets giving all those bad kids coal now that global warming is threatening his home?
Getting my kids to the airport always feels like I`m recreating the first 10 minutes of "Home Alone."
If you want funny, get off Facebook and watch the news...
I need something that`s more than coffee but less than cocaine.
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
Nothing in the world is more expensive than a girl who`s free for the weekend.