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Sorry I got drunk and said and did everything I wanted to say and do.
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
The male version of a tramp stamp should be called a douche tag.
Do you ever get the feeling that you`re being watched? Because if it`s bothering you, I`ll stop.
I only eat the entire pint of ice cream in one sitting so that I won`t be tempted to eat it later.
Why do hospitals need to advertise? It`s not like I`m going to go to Home Depot instead.
Always end a conversation with "gotta run" so people think you`re into fitness
What makes fancy green beans fancy?
Dear piece of paper that wont go in the dust pan ... f*ck you!
With all the botched executions lately, it has been suggested that we bring back the guillotine. But if we do that I`m sure heads will roll.
Mister Rogers didn`t adequately prepare me for the people in my neighborhood.
A group hug in my family means someone wants to use you as a napkin.
I will probably die as a result of being sarcastic to the wrong person at the wrong time.
Today is boozeday, I mean Tuesday...same difference!
"Oh my god, you`ve gotten so fat! Want me to make you something to eat?" - my mom